Introduction to Assertiveness

What is Assertiveness and why improve it?

Hello Reader,

WHAT IS ASSERTIVENESS?

Assertiveness is the ability to express ourselves (thoughts, opinions, needs, emotions, etc.) without violating the rights of others. 

This definition highlights two key points. Firstly, assertiveness is an ability; it is a skill that we can learn, develop and improve with practice. Secondly, the aim of assertiveness is to express ourselves without stepping on the toes of others. Soak that in - expressing our needs without violating the rights of others! 

Let’s dive into the continuum of assertiveness to better understand the concept.

As you can see, being Passive is on the lower end of the spectrum. In this sphere, we prioritize the needs and demands of others over our own. It is all GIVE. Giving of ourselves; our time, energy, resources, etc. The sphere of Aggressive, on the other hand, is where we prioritize our needs, we dominate the relationship and only accept our way. Is all TAKE. Our way or the highway!

Assertiveness is the fine balance between these two extremes. Assertiveness brings together our needs and other’s needs. There is GIVE and TAKE. Sometimes our needs are met, sometimes other’s needs are met. Sometimes both our needs are met! Sometimes we have to compromise by lowering both our needs to come to a solution. Assertiveness is expressing ourselves confidently while also listening openly to the needs of others. Assertiveness is open discussion about whose needs are met.

It must be noted, our goal is not to be at the direct centre of the continuum in every situation. Instead, our aim is to be in that central sphere which you can see in the model; being able to dial our assertiveness up and down, but not falling into the extremes.

A final style of communication is Passive Aggressive; a space where no needs are met. In this context, we are being aggressive (seeking to have our needs met) but we are expressing ourselves indirectly and passively. We are not getting to the heart of the matter and truly communicating our needs. As a result, we are denying the needs of others, but not getting to our needs either! Nothing doing! 

WHY ASSERTIVENESS?

(1) Relationships

The academic literature is full of the benefits of assertiveness. Researchers have found that assertiveness can reduce anxiety, depression and stress, as well as help build our self-esteem and effective relationships (Speed, 2017; Pfafman, 2014; Nakamura, 2017; Ames, 2017; Brown, 2012). Personally, the number one reason I am practicing assertiveness is to build meaningful relationships. Relationships that are trusting, open, fair, and vibrant. 

Let me share an example:

A little while ago, my girlfriend and I booked a week’s holiday to Sicily. I had an important workshop to facilitate a couple of days after our return. Sadly, I had not asserted my needs very well and had agreed to the dates she suggested without full consideration. As a result, I was preoccupied in Italy … I even took a couple of evenings to work - aaaah, the goofery!! This lack of assertiveness meant I was distracted, a little bit resentful of the timing, and was disappointed in myself for not being able to enjoy the holiday and truly be present.

We learned from this experience! Our most recent holiday was a week on the West Coast of Scotland and it was excellent!! When we were discussing dates, we both asserted times that would suit us. This meant that we were able to find a week where I would not be distracted by pending work, and which slotted nicely into her schedule. Boom! Voila! A holiday where I could be present. A week of delight and doings without the weight of worry on the return. Happy days!

A simple story, but an important message. When we both assert our needs, we are able to come together and craft a solution that suits both of us. A good relationship, in whatever context, is not meant to be one sided. A good relationship is not meant to breed resentment.

(2) Participant Answers

In my assertiveness webinar, I asked participants why they wanted to be assertive and you can see some of the answers here - perhaps they resonate with you?

To not be a doormat.

So my own emotional needs are met and I'm respected.

To enable myself to advocate for my own disability and to help others.

To be able to assert boundaries in a better way without feeling guilty or ridiculous.

To change my life.

To achieve my goals whilst having a balance with helping others.

I tend to go from 0 -100 and skip right past assertive into aggressive. I want to learn how to get my point across and stand up for myself without damaging relationships.

I’d like to be able to show my value at work, and be able to communicate with all stakeholders assertively.

To be confident and be heard and improve my decisions.

To be heard - to be listened to without feeling like your needs are less important than others.

I want to be able to be honest with people while allowing people to be honest with me. 

As you can see, we all have our unique reasons for wanting to be assertive. Hold yours close and use it to ignite your communication :)

Wonderful! Wishing you a superb day :)

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